The First Star You See
by mymarlena
Summary: "This is both an apology and a love letter. I'm sorry. I loved you. Or is it: I'm sorry I loved you." The first star you see may not be a star. We learnt that the hard way, didn't we, Sirius? Sirius/Marlene, James/Lily. Seventh year.
1. Chapter 1: Bucket, Please

**CHAPTER 1: BUCKET PLEASE  
AKA "I HATE MARLENE" DAY**

My last drive to the station on that cool September day in 1977 was less than memorable. It was tense, as every drive to the station is, because my parents are almost every single time too stressed from the morning of packing and havoc to be amiable. And there is almost always a fight that ensues between my mother and me or my mother and my siblings.

Usually me.

This morning it had been over why I had not gotten Head Girl, which was, I hate to say, a conversation exhausted by my mother at our dinner table since the letters had come back. Actually, the topic had come up every night, and I was out of reasons as to why I didn't get it ("because Lily did, Mum, and there is only one place") and had started to settle for simple apologies in the hopes the conversation would change soon, with a hopeful glance at my sister, who avoided my eyes.

By the time we had gotten into the car, the argument had fizzled into silent seething (at least on my part). Making for a very quick and awkward journey.

And because of this, with a quick kiss and a hug from each parent ("I'll write you every day, darling." "Sure, Mum, me too…"), we were dropped off at the station – significantly early, I might add, although the first few keen first years had started dribbling in – and left. Poppy and Bryce, my twin siblings who could not be more different, started off to Platform 9 ¾. I tried to keep an eye on them as they ran, but found it much too difficult, although Poppy's blonde hair was easier to follow as it bounced in her ponytail. I watched her barrel into the arms of a friend I didn't recognize, giving off exclaims of glee. I scanned for Bryce, quickly catching him chatting with a plain clothed Auror standing off to the side. The Aurors manning the station was not unusual to anyone since the war started. I contemplated going over and gently leading Bryce away, but he'd been on a whole "independence" thing since he turned 13, and I really didn't think telling him what to do would help our already tested relationship.

A cute sixth year walked past. Why hadn't I noticed him before? Sometimes it was like I didn't even go to this school.

It didn't help that I was standing alone, looking pathetic, and scanning the enormous platform for someone to talk to. Even my little sister had more friends than me right now. Pa-THETIC.

I grabbed my trolley and headed onto the train. I received and returned a wave from a Ravenclaw boy that I vaguely remembered getting with last year. It was not rare for me to arrive this early – in fact my mother, being overly punctual, made sure it was a common occurrence - and thus every year I got first pick in the compartments. Which really doesn't mean much considering that we kept the same compartment every single year, but at least I got in before any eager first years could take it from us.

And now, the waiting game.

I pulled my cat, Lolly, from her cage and started to play with her. She was a small striped thing with big eyes and a cute nose, and I loved her more than anything. I must have killed maybe half an hour with her, watching her jump up and down after the string I produced from my wand. At one point, she must have realized her efforts were futile, as she crawled onto my crossed legs and reached up to lick my face. I had been so consumed in this game that I didn't notice the other compartments filling up, or how packed the platform had become, until –

"Mary, you'll never _believe _what just happened, I have to tell you –" Lily Evans had arrived, ambling into our compartment without looking and throwing her trunk up. She let out an exhausted sigh when she managed to put it on the rack and turned around, clearly about to launch into her extraordinary tale, when she saw me. "- Oh," she said, her smile faltering. I could not bring my mouth to say anything, only pulling my cat closer to me. "I'm sorry – I thought you were Mary."

"No, Mary's not here yet, I haven't seen her," I said coolly.

To understand my relationship with Lily, you probably have to go back a few years, and even then, you wouldn't understand it. Even I don't. She didn't like me from the beginning – my clothes, my hair, the attention I got from boys, my confidence. She fancied me something of a slut (which I don't dispute) and a contender in whatever competition she thought we were in. I never bothered myself much with these rumours and ideas. People said what they want. I knew what was and wasn't true.

Even after six years of sharing a dorm, Lily and I still had not mastered the art of Getting Along. It was not that we fought – we didn't (much). It was more that we could not talk without Mary, or Liberty, or even Constance. I watched my every move around her.

"What happened?" I asked politely, pulling the cat off my lap and curling my legs into my chest defensively.

"Oh, I'll explain later," she waved me off. "It's not worth explaining twice." She looked me up and down, sizing me up. Ugh. What was it about Lily Evans that made me feel so small? Like I was staring into some very bright light and I wasn't even a flicker in comparison?

She tentatively sat down, and we killed time by discussing our summers. Her sister had gotten married and moved out – something everybody at Hogwarts knew, considering how much Lily complained about the bloke she was marrying – and Lily told me stories of the wedding, which was apparently completely hectic and crazy, and it was very funny at some points because her aunt got into the champagne (the what?) and started – oh, Mary, hi!

Lily jumped out of her seat and threw her arms around her blonde friend with an energy and excitement that she had never exhibited with me. "I was just telling Marlene about the wedding, my sister's, remember? Oh, sit, sit! I have to tell you what just happened on my way to this," Lily jumped back into her story as Mary pulled me into a hug and gave me a sympathetic look. I almost didn't want to let her go, and I made sure she sat next to me.

Oh, did I mention Mary was my closest friend? And Lily's too? Maybe that was a contributing factor of this… tense… relationship.

"Wait; don't tell me, we have to wait until Liberty and Constance arrive, ok?" Mary said, her blue eyes lighting up as she silenced her friend. Lily screwed up her face childishly and rolled her eyes.

"Oh, alright! But when I tell you have to listen, there's no way I'm explaining twice," bargained Lily. We didn't have to wait long though, because a few moments later, two girls entered, smiling like loons. The first, a round-faced, petite black-haired girl, and the second a tall, slim, striking blonde, both of whom seemed unable to contain their excitement. Understandably, of course, since nobody was ever happier than the day they were going back to Hogwarts, or sadder than the day they had to leave.

After the childish squeals of glee and the quick catch-up chats had been made ("how were your-" "-oh I love the hair –" "- I tried to write you-") Lily clapped her hands gleefully and demanded the attention of the now too crowded compartment. She leaned in dramatically and we all followed suit like puppets.

"I feel like we're concocting a secret plan," giggled Mary, but was quickly hushed by Lily.

"So," she started, again dramatically, "I was just coming onto the platform, having seen my parents off, and I was pushing my cart to get on the train and looking for you guys because I couldn't find you _anywhere _– anyway. So I was heading to the train when I kind of happened to notice –"

"Happened to notice?" Liberty butt in with suspicion. "Lily, you don't _happen _to notice, you make it your business to notice."

"Irrelevant. Do you wanna hear the story or not? I _happened to notice _a mysterious little 'gang' in the corner, completely disregarded by the security that's meant to be monitoring that behavior, having what appeared to be some kind of meeting. And since James and I are kind of friendly-ish now – remember how I told you we'd been hanging out over the summer at the coast, because Petunia wanted that beach side wedding?"

"Oh, yeah! How was that, by the way?" Mary asked. Lily sighed.

"It was… fine, I guess. It wasn't exactly my choice to be stuck with someone like Potter, but he's changed a bit, and he was actually almost tolerable. So imagine my surprise when I tried to sneak up on the guys and bust them and they stop."

"What?" we all ask.

"They just stop! Peter sees me and makes them all shut up, and then they all kind of straighten in unison, it was weird, like watching some kind of ritual – they all just kind of stood up and looked at me. And then Potter goes, "all right, Evans?" – You know, the way that he does. And I just stood there like a dummy, I didn't know what to say. I mean it was pretty obvious they were discussing me. Blatantly. Behind my back."

Everyone nodded thoughtfully. Merlin, Lily was thick sometimes. Can the girl take a hint?

And hey, maybe it was just me, but didn't she start off by calling him James? What's up with that?

"Maybe they weren't discussing _you, _they were just discussing something super-secret," Mary suggested helpfully.

"Like a murder plot," Constance joked.

"For you," I added, and we laughed at the absurdity of it all.

Lily shrugged. "Maybe. It was still weird though. I didn't expect Potter to be so…"

"Dismissive," Liberty filled.

"Kind of. We really got on during the summer. I mean, he wasn't perfect or anything, but he was a lot different. We did spend every day together for about three weeks, and talked a lot, I don't know why he would go straight back into that whole 'all right, Evans?' gag now."

"I think that really depends on how drunk you were when you snogged," I mused jokingly, but realized I had hit the mark when Lily blushed and shook her head. Mary positively jumped out of her seat.

"You snogged?!" She nearly screamed, which earned her a hearty shushing and head-shaking from Lily. However, at that point the Hogwarts Express whistle blew and the train began to chug along. After about ten minutes of hyperventilation and "oh my, oh my, oh _my" _from Mary, we managed to get some details.

"We were pretty drunk," she admitted. "James really can't do anything without smoking or drinking or both – a nasty habit, and I told him so – anyway, I was tipsy and he was smashed, and we were sitting on the beach really late one night discussing our futures, and he said he couldn't see his but he was always pretty shit at Divination, and I said I didn't want to know mine. And then he looked at me, and – oh, Merlin, this is so embarrassing!" We groaned, and after much probing, she continued with a hefty sigh. "He looked at me, and he said that the future doesn't even matter, because we're young and we have the rest of our lives so it's not worth bothering about too much, you know? To which _I_ said that that was a stupid motto and he doesn't really believe that. And he said something like, 'but nothing matters, except right now.' But that's not true, is it? What matters is the future, not right now, right now is nothing. So then he said something like, 'so you make it something.' And then he… he started leaning in, you know? And then I was so sure he was going to kiss me. I didn't even know if I wanted to. It would be weird, wouldn't it? It just hit me – I couldn't do it, could I? He was still James Potter and whether I kissed him or not wouldn't change that. So I pulled back."

Merlin, I think Mary is crying.

Excuse me while I gag.

Have you ever heard something so ridiculous? It's like straight out of a Jane Austen novel Mary made me read last summer. Don't get me wrong, Lily and James were one of those 'everyone-knows-you're-gonna-get-together-so-hurry -up-we're-getting-bored-of-it' kinds of couples. I mean, there are only so many Potter-induced bad moods a girl can take before she cracks. They were cute, but both annoyingly oblivious to each other's feeling. I think my little sister knew James fancied Lily before Lily knew.

"But Lily," I said quietly, "don't you pretty much despise James Potter?"

Lily glanced at me and pressed her lips together, ending her awkward gesture with a shrug. "He was… different, I guess. It wasn't James Potter. It was someone completely different. Maybe something happened to him over summer or something, I don't know."

"Maybe he's not so bad when he's by himself," suggested Mary helpfully.

Lily seemed adamant that that was not the case. "No, it's not that. I've done class projects with him and he's always been this… arrogant git. But there was something really, I don't know, soft about him. I think this war has taken its toll on all of us."

Oh, she _had _to mention the war. "Oh, don't," I groaned aloud, burying my head in my hands melodramatically. "It's hard enough hearing about it every second when I'm at home. Can't we go one ride without talking about this stupid war?!"

"It's not stupid, Marlene," Lily snapped. "You'd be better off taking an interest in it, although I can understand why you would struggle with the concept of thinking about something _other _than yourself."

"You sound like my mother," I spat back. Six years in the same dorm and we're still fighting, although this sudden and open expression of distaste for me was not something I was exactly expecting from Lily so early in the year. Not that I cared. I was hardly offended by the string of words Lily considered an insult. Nothing I had not heard before from just about everyone. Did someone say broken record?

Alas, Saint Mary came to the rescue, settling our disputes with a simple, "oh, quit it, both of you," which shut us up pretty quick.

"Fine," Lily sighed exasperatedly, shaking her auburn curls. "Mary, what's this I hear about George Doren?"

I was thankful for the opportunity to think of something else. It was Mary's turn to blush and giggle. "I'm meant to meet him in an hour. Oh, Marlene, you know him!" (In response to my inquisitive looks) "He's the Hufflepuff bloke I wrote to you about, the fit one? He was helping my parents with the house over the summer? He and I are an item now."

My jaw dropped. I'd heard about George from Mary's lengthy letters. He'd been helping her family out with their new house, an ancient building filled with so many boggarts and Doxys it would make your stomach turn. She said that she loved him, but I didn't know they were going out! I mean, Mary's gorgeous and everything, but she's one of those girls that are so insecure with themselves that they can't even speak around anybody they don't know, let alone get with them.

I would have probably raised more of a point with it, but it was at that moment that the door to our compartment rolled open to reveal four tall, grinning boys. What can I say? Boys just _flock _to me.

"Secret meeting?" asked Potter, raising his eyebrows. Lily rolled her eyes. Sometimes I would play a game where I count how many times Lily rolled her eyes and/or scowled during a conversation with Potter. The highest was eight, but the conversation was only five minutes. That's like, one every half a minute… or close to. The girl had a problem.

"If we were, you certainly would not be involved," she sassed. Liberty hissed her laughter.

"Ah, I don't really care, to tell you the truth," he shrugged, though I was pretty sure he _did _care, because he cares about every breath she takes, let alone the conversations she has. "We have to go."

Wait, what?

Lily glanced at her watch. "We have ten minutes."

Till what? Whatever, I didn't really care. I turned my attention to Potter. "Hey, Potter, is there gonna be welcoming bash tonight?"

"'Fraid not," he shook his head.

I pouted. "Why's that?"

Sirius Black chose that moment to butt in. It was then that I noticed him - or should I say, allowed myself to look at him, which was something I didn't do as a general rule should I be overcome with the urge to rip off my clothes. The thing about Sirius Black is he was the fittest thing you had ever seen walk the planet, paired with the biggest ego to match his friends. He was the kind of guy who you would put on a poster above your bed. The kind of guy who could completely ignore your existence for the past seven years and you would still come to his every beck and call. His appeal came from the way he ignored almost every single girl who looked at him twice, and only ever looked at a girl when he was completely off his face. At least, with me, he only seemed to know me when he had his fingers in my –

"I'm afraid we've had to put our foolhardy ways behind us," Black sighed dramatically.

"A real tragedy, that," Lupin mused with a smile.

I gasped, playing along. "James! It can't be!"

"I'm afraid it's true." He shook his head woefully. Mary giggled.

"Our marauding days have seen their last stretch of sun," Pettigrew included, though he could hardly make himself seen through the small door.

"What happened?" asked Mary.

Black grinned cheekily. "Glad you asked, Mary, my dear, I'm glad you asked. You see, it all started back in the reign of Pogglesquash the Mad, in 1549, when the Turks invaded the –"

"Potter's head boy," Lily interrupted loudly. Mary squealed and applauded.

That was when I noticed the Head Boy badge that gleamed on his chest. I choked. "You're Head Boy?!"

"The one and only," Potter shrugged. "Which brings me back to my point that we have to _go!" _

"Fine!" Lily sighed, grabbing something from her trunk and guiding Potter out of her way so she could leave. He kept stopping, forcing her to run into him and shove him forward, to which he would laugh, and she would stick out her tongue at him, and I would throw up into a bucket.

Couples.

Lupin gave us a mock salute and followed after them. Black and Pettigrew pulled themselves into our carriage. Black threw himself next to me (be still, my heart), throwing his arm around the back of my chair. I couldn't help it – I glanced at him, and he must have sensed it because he looked at me and gave me a cheeky grin.

Play nice, Marlene.

"Couldn't stay away from me, could you, Black?" I asked with the most subtle hint of flirting.

"Can't help it, Marlena," he said, pronouncing my name 'MAR-LEH-NAH'. "You're just cute as a pygmy puff."

"No," I played along. "I'm _cuter._"

I may or may not have wet myself a bit because, well, Sirius Black called me _cute. _

He laughed, but it was too cute and I almost felt my fingers edge towards the buttons of my blouse so I looked away and changed the subject.

"So that's the end of all your bashes, then?" I asked with a hint of sadness. "No more pranks, no more anything?"

"Now, Marlena (why does he call me that?), nobody's saying that," Black interjected. When I looked up at him to clarify, he was looking at me, so I looked down again because that urge was there. "Realistically, if any illegal activity were to take place tonight, James would have to report it."

"But?" I asked hopefully.

"But," Sirius continued, his eyes twinkling, "if the illegal activity happened to occur at say, 11 o'clock, at, say, the old third floor Charms classroom, then James, being too busy making out with Lily – sorry, did I just say that? I meant _doing rounds _at the time to visit the abandoned third floor classrooms, would not be aware of the activities that took place there, and would not have any duty to report it."

"You've clearly thought this out," I said.

"Well," he shrugged. "It's hypothetical for now."

"We don't even know if we'll get the stuff," Pettigrew added from his comfortable spot between Liberty and Mary. A gloom seemed to pass over Black at the mention of it.

"Since when is that a problem for you guys?" I scoffed casually. If anybody could get booze, it was these guys. Rain, hail or shine.

Black looked at me like I was an idiot. "Since there's a war going on? Or haven't you noticed?" he spat at me. Talk about whiplash. Ten minutes ago we'd barely spoken, and now he's yelling at me?

"Of course I know there's a bloody war going on, Black. Have you forgotten who I live with?" I argued back defensively. I don't like being attacked, especially when I haven't done anything wrong. Exhibit B. He pulled his arm out from behind me.

"Well, wouldn't be hard, considering she's scared to show her face in public!"

"Oh, you wanna talk about cowardice?" I screeched, shooting up to loom over him. "She's doing a ton more than I've ever seen you do, Black, the little boy who's too scared to face up to his own family!"

Black jumped up too, and I had to move out of the way to avoid collision. Now that he stood, he was a whole lot taller than me. He should sit down again, just give me some leverage.

"You don't know fucking _anything _about me or my family, McKinnon, so shut the fuck up!" He barked. Lovely Mary immediately jumped to her feet at his language, grabbing my arm and physically trying to pull me back. She didn't have to try very hard, I'm pretty weak. She pushed herself between Black and me, screaming for both of us to shut up, because I'd started going off about how he didn't know anything about _me, _over which he started to claim that I wasn't exactly much of a mystery, to which I was about to retort with some witty comeback that I was saved from thinking up by Pettigrew brandishing his wand and screaming he would blow up the compartment if he didn't shut up. Which shut us up, but I didn't stop glowering at Black, who didn't stop glowering at me until he was physically dragged out of the compartment by Pettigrew and I flipped him the bird.

"Not even Lily and James fight like that," Mary observed quietly when I sat myself back down and pulled my knees to my chest.

"Yeah, thanks, Mary," I mumbled.

No, this is ridiculous. I shook myself out of it. "Whatever. He's a prick, right?" I asked, but received no response from my amazing friends. Well, joy.

I groaned and pulled myself down until I was lying horizontal on the seat. Constance raised her eyebrows at me. "Comfortable?" she asked. I groaned again in response.

"This is way too heavy for a first day," I remarked.

"What did I tell you about picking fights with Sirius Black?" Mary chided, picking up her copy of Witch Weekly. Under her breath, she added, "or Lily." But I pick my battles carefully, and decided to ignore it.

"He called out my mother!"

"And you called out his family," she reminded me calmly.

"Which he hates anyway-"

"Not to mention you were wrong," she interrupted with a stern look at me.

"How?!" I cried in annoyance. Was everyone going to gang up on me? Was there a memo sent out over summer, that September 1 was 'make Marlene feel like crap' day?

"Black left home a few weeks ago."

I bolted upright. Sorry, what?! "How do you know?" I asked quietly. I'd lost my voice, and my stomach too, it felt like.

"He moved in with the Potters one night and Lily saw him with Potter the next day. Potter told her and she told me."

"Of course," I said bitterly. So not only had I called Black out on something sensitive but I'd also picked at a fresh wound. And was wrong. Talk about fuck up.

"Well," I said, lifting my chin. "He was wrong too, wasn't he? About my mother."

"Hm? How's that?"

"You'll see," I mumbled, throwing a hand over my eyes and turning my back to them.

I think there should be an award for worst person. I mean, two fights in the space of, what, twenty minutes? I would win hands down, even over Sirius Black. Yuck.

Oh, I should apologize.

* * *

**Yayayayay! First chapter. Published because today commences Blackinnon week, a more or less recently accepted OTP (I was in denial for a bit). I really hope you like it! Please review :D Next chapter is called: **

**CHAPTER TWO: DEVIL SPAWNS WITH DEVIL POWERS  
AKA SHIT JUST GOT REAL**


	2. Chapter 2:Devil Spawns with Devil Powers

**CHAPTER TWO: DEVIL SPAWNS WITH DEVIL POWERS  
AKA SHIT JUST GOT REAL**

I didn't apologize.

Woops.

Ok, _so-rry! _But think about it. Why should I apologize? He snapped at me first! And he was much too proud to accept my apology anyway, he'd probably make me beg for years before he got bored and decided I wasn't even worth forgiving.

Besides, I had more pressing things to worry about. Like how hungry I was. The trolley lady hadn't come around to our end of the train, but even if she had, I couldn't actually _eat _that stuff. No amount of Quidditch would be able to burn off all that crap.

And I don't play anyway.

And the opportunity never arrived. I fell asleep on the train when Mary went off to find her loverboy, since I was left with Constance and Liberty who were great and all but kinda boring. So I slept, and didn't wake up until we arrived at the train station, and therefore had no time to apologise to Sirius. How sad.

Hey, I don't have to justify myself to you!

Getting off the train was, of course, chaos, and somewhere in it I lost sight of Constance and Liberty, and didn't find Lily or Mary, and was left by myself. What else is new?

"Hey, Marlene!" I spun around at the sound of my name called by an unfamiliar voice, expecting it to be someone super exciting here. False alarm though. It was just the Ravenclaw boy who had waved to me earlier. He was not exceptionally gorgeous, rather non-descript, if I'm honest, but cute enough. "You want me to, uh, walk with you? You seem kinda lonely." He scratched the back of his neck. Isn't it cute when boys do that?

But I couldn't let him do that. He could be a fourth year for all I know, and then I would go to Azkaban from being a sexual predator or something. I politely declined and continued in the mass with the rest of the students. Occasionally I glanced around to see if Ravenclaw Boy had left me alone (he had) or if Mary had turned up (she hadn't). I caught Mulciber glaring at me a few times and I tried to give him my worst stare back.

I should have watched where I was going, but, being me, I obviously didn't. So it was only natural that I would end up walking behind the Satan Worshippers themselves (not to be confused with the devil spawns – you know, Snape's posse) speaking very loudly.

About me (I assumed).

"-she doesn't give a shit about anything of value and it pisses me off!" Black, the love of my life. He sure does flatter me.

"That's reason to go off at her?" Lupin, at least, was in my defence.

"Don't try to tell me you think I started it," my prince shot back defensively.

"Fair point," Lupin shrugged. I see I spoke too soon. Two faced git.

"But she's fit," Pettigrew remarked. "Knowing you, you'll forgive her after a few drinks." Who says chivalry is dead?

"It's not important anyway," Black shrugged, digging his hands in his pockets and throwing back his head to clear his hair from his eyes. Oh, did I mention that urge? Even after he yells at me, it's still there. "Have you guys seen Imogen Callway? She lost like 20 pounds or something, I dunno, but I reckon she's coming up to like, the fittest girl at this school."

Lupin laughed. "Maybe. She isn't bad, I'll grant you that, but I've seen better."

Black barked a laugh. "Yeah, right. When was the last time you saw any action, hey?"

"Catherine Mulder, June this year," Lupin recited almost mechanically. "And if I remember correctly, she set my hair on fire and tried to curse me. Never again, Padfoot, never again."

Pad-who?

"Nah, we'll get you laid tonight. Prongs'll have a few in mind that would give an arm and a leg to get in bed with you."

"I kind of like my girls to be, you know, fully limbed? Maybe that's just my taste," shrugged Lupin. Pettigrew chuckled. At that point, the conversation came to a tragic anticlimax as they all climbed into a carriage. I glanced around, realising with shock that most people had already climbed into carriages and were setting off. Shit. I guess that meant…

Ugh.

I climbed into the carriage with them. Why, life, why?

For a while I didn't dare look up before I realised it was a fate I could not avoid, although I practically heard all three jaws dropping in unison. I glanced up hesitantly, giving an uncomfortable smile. They gaped at me.

"Oh, put your tongues back in your mouths," I scorned mockingly, pushing me hair out of my face. "The other carriages are full. Hope you don't mind." A fake smile for added effect. It worked, they all looked away as if I had burned their eyes.

"Hey, Marlene," Lupin smiled at me politely. Oh, goody, a friend.

"Hey, Remus. How were your holidays?"

"Good, you know, didn't do much," Lupin shrugged. I dared myself to glance around at the other two and found myself on the receiving end of Black's harsh glare. I stuck my tongue out at him, folding my arms.

"Are you going to sulk all day, Black? Because if you are, I'm sure there's a naughty corner back in Hogwarts that's just calling your name. And maybe," I added, because I was far from done, even though his glare only darkened, "if you're a good boy, you might get a cookie and a sippy-cup of milk!" Black's retort missed me. I glanced at Pettigrew, knowing he would be the only one who would elicit a response to my wit, hoping for some kind of pat on the back. I got it; he was grinning at me, and I grinned back, and Black saw and tore us to pieces.

"Pete," Black hissed through his teeth, "I know we said that we'd help you flirt, but McKinnon doesn't count."

"Oh?" I scoffed, "And why's that?"

"You want me to start from the beginning?"

"I doubt you'll even be able to think of _one _reason why Peter can't flirt with me!"

"I'd have a harder time _choosing _one reason. How about the fact that Peter could do a whole lot better than someone who hasn't thought about anything but themselves their whole life?"

"Wow, I'm surprised you could even _formulate _that sentence with a head so full of air," I replied snidely.

"McKinnon, are you feeling alright? It's been ten whole minutes since you've looked at yourself in the mirror. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you."

"Sounds like you've been stalking me. Got something you want to confess?"

"What, that I love you? Nah, I reckon you love yourself enough for the both of us."

Lupin got bored of us, I reckon, because I had a really great comeback where I would bring up the fact that he spends more time on his hair than the Harpies spend on the Quidditch Field when he interrupted. "Kids," he sighed, "this is worse than James and Lily. If you can't play nice, you can't play at all."

"This certainly isn't playing," I remarked under my breath. Lupin shot me a _stop talking _look that I had learnt to recognise after years of receiving it. And so I sat in a cool silence, keeping my eyes on the window and not at the handsome dick, and he kept his eyes on his friends and not on me.

Merlin, he's hot and cold isn't he? Wasn't he flirting with me five hours ago? Calling me Marlena? Now I'm the biggest airhead he's ever met and he was a waste of oxygen to me. This ride could not end fast enough.

* * *

The feast was a subdued affair. To the ordinary third year, it would seem the same, but to us, it was completely different. Every conversation was about the war, even though nothing had happened in ages. Even the first years, while still talking in excited, breathless terms, were talking about the war. It was everywhere, giving me a headache. Mary, aware of my distaste of the subject, steered clear of the subject, while simultaneously keeping Lily quiet about it too, although it was clear there was nothing Lily wanted to discuss more.

The Marauders laughed loudly a few seats down. Annoyed, I glanced over with a glare, trying to catch what they were laughing at. I followed Sirius's eyes to the staff table, where, sitting beside Hagrid and Flitwick, the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Hurrah, another one.

The last six had been great until something came up and they left. Every single time. Suspicious, right? I didn't expect this guy to last long. I pointed him out to Lily and Mary, who stared at him for a very long moment.

The man himself was… pretty average. Young; probably the youngest one to date. If you listened closely, you could hear the swoons of fifth year girls all across the hall. He wasn't all that descript though; dark hair, glasses, slim face, neat robes.

I glanced back at Lily. "He's definitely evil," I concluded jokingly. She was staring at him quite hard, and therefore missed my absolutely hilarious joke. I tried to tell Mary, but she too was too interested in looking at him to care. He's not even that good looking!

"Welcome, welcome, to another year at Hogwarts!"

Saved, once again, by Dumbledore, standing up to speak to the school.

"I'd like to start by welcoming our new member of staff, Professor Cestil, as Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher." A round of applause broke out. "A few ground rules before the feast: the Forbidden Forest remains an area out of bounds to all students. Any student found out of bed after curfew will receive an immediate detention. Students and staff alike are to report any suspicious acts they may witness," he announced formally, his voice quiet and dark and terrifyingly calm. "I can only urge you to exercise the utmost caution in these dark and troubling times. We are only as strong as our weakest link."

I shivered, pulling the sleeve of my robe over my hands. Was he _trying _to scare us? A small smile spread over his aging face. "And I shall leave it at that. Please, tuck in!"

I suddenly didn't feel the slightest bit hungry as gold platters filled high with roast beef and potatoes and chicken and vegetables. Mary leaned into me. "That was interesting," she remarked.

"Longer than usual."

"And darker."

"I've never heard him talk like that at a start of term feast," Lily added from across from us. "He probably scared the first years out of their wits. Report suspicious acts? What's he playing at?"

"I reckon something's happened," I mumbled. "Something big. Things are getting worse." Lily gawked at me. "What?" I asked defensively.

"This is the first I've heard you even _mention _the war, that's all," she said, averting her eyes.

"I do have the capacity to do that sometimes, you know," I snapped.

"I reckon she's right," Mary added.

"Of course I am."

"I mean about how things are getting worse. I think he's done pretending they aren't."

"Or beating around the bush," Lily added.

I felt very, very much like I did not want to be there at that time, and would rather be alone in bed, but to leave in the middle of the start of term feast was unheard of. I didn't want to cause a scene or anything now.

"Well," I said sharply, "it's no use thinking about, is it? Someone say something more cheerful."

Nobody could think of anything. So we ate in silence and tried to force food into stomachs that already felt much too full of lead.

* * *

I didn't sleep much that night, deciding to go to breakfast early rather than force sleep on an overactive mind. The hall was more or less deserted, though strangely enough, a few other early birds had arrived and were numbly chewing on toast at the Ravenclaw table, which happened to be the only table set up for breakfast this early.

Six AM was a curious time at Hogwarts; I fully supported Mary's theory that those who willingly wake up at this time intentionally are not to be trusted (I was not one of them – certain events of the following day had kept me up all night). Exhibit A: the small crowd of Devil Spawns that sat at the far end of the table, enjoying their breakfast like they weren't the worst people in the world. Snape – not to say that it was _his _posse, but a posse he seemed to slide into easily, all laughing over something Avery was vividly illustrating. There were quite a few of them, nobody bothered to keep count, but I think almost all of us watched our backs around them. Nobody knows for sure, but everybody says they'd seen and done more dark magic in their six years here than most death eaters nowadays. One glance their way told me to stay on my toes – Mulciber was mysteriously absent.

Hesitantly, I took a place next to a nice sixth year Hufflepuff who introduced herself as Catherine. Annoyingly, no other seventh years rose at this hour, unless you expected me to talk to Slytherins. I'd rather curse myself four times over.

The place was crawling with fifth years, including a lovely Hufflepuff kid sitting in front of Catherine and I who tried too hard to be funny and in the end just got really boring. He was sweet, but annoyingly flirty, and I didn't like fifth years that much anyway. And he wanted to talk about the war.

"I'm not usually up this early," he was explaining to me between bites. "But Dumbledore's speech last night kept me up. I know we've heard worse and all, but that was pretty black for a welcome speech, you know? I mean, this war's shit though, so I understand. My mum was telling me the other day about these guys, muggle-borns, that just got-"

"I don't want to talk about the war," I stated simply, pushing my spoon around my bowl and giving him a soft smile. "Let's talk about something fun."

He shrugged. "Sorry – like what?"

"Like…" my eyes drifted to the badge on his chest. "You're a prefect. That's pretty cool."

He beamed with pride, puffing out his chest. "I know. Didn't expect that! You'd think Dumbledore would pick someone more suited, you know, but he didn't!"

"Who would be more suited than you?"

"Exactly! And plus, the girl I get to do patrols with this term, fit as _anything, _can't believe Lily let me do them with her, you know, because I was -" Suddenly, the kid – Isaac or something - gasped, and started flailing, moving his mouth rapidly but unable to talk or even breathe. For a second I was relieved, until I realised what was going on, with a bit of a hint from the Slytherin end as they erupted in loud, obnoxious laughter.

Suddenly I was fuming. And terrified. I jumped to my feet and marched down towards the little demons. Snape's wand was in his hand, subtly pointing at Isaac. He watched me approach him with a challenging look, but I reckon I easily out-glared him, and tucked his wand back into the pocket of his robes. Behind me, Isaac sputtered a breath.

"Can I help you?" Snape asked me as I stopped silently in front of them. I could feel their hot eyes on me, testing me. I was prepared to start screaming, to hex the daylight out of him, to show him and his dumb friends exactly how big and tall they were in this school, but as I prepared myself to word-vomit my anger, my eyes caught those of Evan Rosier and every brave thought died.

Like looking into the eyes of a rabid dog about to pounce, there was nothing more terrifying. I was going to puke or something. I took a desperate look at Snape in the hopes that seeing him would once again make me angry – after all, he was only Snivellus, nothing scary about him – but nothing came. So I turned and left, half sprinting out of the hall.

"You're making enemies, Mckinnon!" Avery called out to me as I charged out of the hall, leaving them far behind, hopefully.

What happened to my lionheart bravery that I had just a minute ago?

* * *

It took all of ten minutes to calm myself down after that little incident, splashing my face with water and counting my breaths. Safe to say I couldn't show myself in the dining hall for the next year or so. I couldn't exactly let myself linger on it, because today was a much bigger day than just the day I chicken out in front of Snape. But the image of Rosier's black, sadistic eyes still burned in my mind.

I spent the rest of the morning curled up in an armchair in the corner of the common room with _Enchanted Engagements, _trying to calm myself down before the calamity about to befall my already tragic life. I returned half-hearted waves and denied invitations to breakfast and "are you okay" comments from friends. I was most certainly okay.

I was pretty much hyperventilating by the time the common room and dorms were completely empty. Time was passing so fast, and soon people would be spilling in, running at me, trying to talk to me about it…

It wasn't as though I wasn't fully aware and involved in what was about to happen, when every single student in this school unrolled their Daily Prophets and saw my family name sprawled across the front page, my mother's confession.

She had asked me before she did it. She had asked Bryce. She'd asked Poppy. They didn't know what would happen, but I did, but her demands drowned out my screams, and now they screamed back at me from a flimsy piece of parchment.

I felt violently sick.

My family lived by a sole principle: if you have something to say, say it. No smoke and mirrors, no mind games, no teasing. Speak your mind. It was an ethos I was raised on and haven't been able to shake since. I was never quiet about anything, and there was a cost. So when my mother started her Magic for Muggles peace campaign against You-Know-Who under an alias of Alison Hobble, the hypocrisy reeked. "For the good of the family," she said to the naïve 13-year-old me. "For your protection." I couldn't understand what part of lying protected me. She had almost no supporters. She and my father went unnoticed at the rallies they held, looking like loons as they held signs outside the ministry. I thought it was pathetic, crazy, why was I born to such idiots, etc. Even when her campaign picked up speed, when she got an office in the wizarding part of London, when she started earning, when she could rally up thousands of people with the snap of her fingers and needed to hire protection and found her name splashed over every newspaper and her office subject to nightly raids and fires, I hated her. I hated her recklessness, I hated her consequences-be-damned attitude, the warnings from my father about how dangerous this campaign was becoming, the way she would treat every night like we would be attacked the next morning. I hated how quick she was to sacrifice her own life, to endanger ours, for the good of the Wizarding World. I hated how much of her I had become.

For a long time, while I tried to explain to my little brother and sister why my mother was a hypocrite, I hated her (in my defence, have you _met _her? You'd hate her too). I still disagreed with 90% of what she does, but I understood what she did then. Nobody knew what my mother did. Nobody ever met her, nobody saw her, or my father. I was safe as long as she was anonymous. I was safe for the next five minutes.

And it comes down to this. The biggest rally she had organised to date, held in the Ministry of Magic, attended by tens of thousands of witches and wizards, press coverage up to your ears, all because my mother decided last night it was time to come clean.

* * *

**Yay! Chapter 2! Thanks to everyone who read! Please keep reading and reviewing, I love you all. I started school (a big, shitty year coming up for me) so I want to get published what I have, and then hopefully keep writing... I only have 3 chapters (but I've planned till the end).**

**Next chapter is called:**

**CHAPTER THREE: INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY**

**AKA: MAKING ENEMIES, A NOVEL BY MARLENE MCKINNON**


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